Ian and Miklos were eating Jengyalov hac from a weird food truck. Weird because it was painted in the colours of the old Armenian Soviet republic, Miklos was not sure why, but the food was good, so he did not complain. Besides, he had bigger problems. Like how to get out of here since he was in Ukraine de jure but Russia de facto, and these Russians gave him no money (well, they gave Ian but only for that food) for an eurobus or something similar, so he was already making elaborate plans on how to get to civilization. “Direction East. There must be some civilisation there” he thought, but he did not see himself in some nowhere Russia. And Japan is too far. As he was eating and thinking, someone approached him and Ian.
It was a young man. Miklos gave him 20-something years. He had short hair that grew on a shaved head. What gave out the boy's military past was that one of the arms of his coat was hanging freely. What Miklos also noticed was that it was a grey-blue coat used by the tsarist army. He had bags under his eyes, yet Miklos could see there was some wit behind them. He was no ordinary result of the pathology of local apartment complexes.
-Um… Izvinitie? - he asked in a surprisingly silky voice.
Miklos looked at Ian, who was as perplexed as he was.
-Inglisgi gavarish?-Ian replied
-IEhhh I guess I know some…words- The boy said, Half shure.
-oK…so what do you want?-Ian said after a bit of silence.
-Well I have a problem in my flat due to ghosts, and I thought you 2 could help me.
The directness and type of request baffled 2 men who looked at each other again, but after a bit of silence, Miklos said.
-What makes you think we are qualified for such a thing?-Miklos asked unsure what to make of it - I mean, exorcism of a ghost is a bit of an uncommon task?
-Well I’ve noticed how you just kind of appeared in a weird cloud of smoke, and I kind of thought you were some weird magicians.
Ian and Miklos now knew how they got here.
-I think there is a bit of a mistake. We umm, well…-Miklos tried to find a good way to make the boy go away.
-I mean we know how to get the ghost and even demons exorcised. Remember our Christmas in Australia?-Ian pointed out
-Right…Ok we might help you, but in terms of the payment. We want 2 tickets for a bus to more…Metropolitan places.
-Moskow?-The boy in the coat said.
-No, Crimea. - Miklos responded, knowing they would be closer to other countries from there.
-Ehhh. Ok that will be cheaper actually. -The boy responded.
After finishing the food, they went their way. During the walk they found out they’ve been transported to Melitopol in Zaporozhye (or Zaporizhzhia if he went by de jure language rules). And that there was an “exodus” of local Ukrainians, both Ian and Miklos knew it was a more diplomatic term. O, and that this boy's name is Alexei.
-I didn’t know you could get a flat for service. If that was the cause, I would rethink my loyalties- Ian said with a pretended enthusiasm.
-Only if you know the right people or accidentally saved a son of a cousin of a local politician from a drone grenade- as he said it, he gave a quick and maybe a melancholic look at his non-present arm.
-A flat for a hand- Miklos chuckled- I know housing prices are absurd these days, but THAT is a bit too much, don’t you think?
-Ehhh I got a nice one on the 6th floor with 3 rooms plus a kitchen and bathroom. Fuck, these days you would need a million for that -Alexei explained
-And As I deduce, the ghost is a Ukrainian that lived there but died?-Miklos Asked
-Yea some soldier who died and now haunts my house-Alexiei confirmed
-Well according to the international community, you stole it, and it’s still Ukraine but…-Miklos said as he looked at the russian flags hanging from balconies. He even noticed some red flags with a blue X or even one of Soviet Ukraine.
-We own it now and if these Hoholy want to take it they can have it with rifles. And drones-Ex Soldier said the last word with noticeable anger.
-We are not to judge-Miklos assured-We are more of Mercenaries. We technically don’t even have nationalities anymore.
-And the closest i would have for a country burned long before I was born-Ian said after staying silent
-Ok?-Alexei wanted from him to elaborate but Miklos gave him a hand sign to not dig in.
After that, they finally arrived at the flat. It was a typical example of late communist architectural thought. If he didn’t know better, Miklos would have thought he was still in Szeged. The lift was even similar. The inside of a flat itself was noticeably more modern but with a few touches of the communist period here and there. There were a lot of chairs lying on the ground, obviously done by the ghost. And a weird flag hanging on the living room wall had a blue x on a red field and some coat of arms in the middle.
-Ok Ian since you said how we know how to do it. Then do it.-he glared at his companion waiting for him to embarrass himself.
-Ummm ok well i need a few things. Candles, chalk or something and a table and…uhhh virgin blood i think.-He looked at Alexiei.
-Candles I have, in case of the power going out. Table, I have it too…but virgin blood and chalk?-Alexei looked at the ground visibly thinking- Do cravons count? And does it have to be a lot of blood?-Alexiei asked after a while.
-Well…I think..yea.-Ian answered after making a weird face.-And i guess a small coffee cup will subside. But…It has to be virgin, remember?
-Yes-Alexei assured Ian.
Firstly they began cleaning the living room by getting the carpet out and putting a right table. Then they took the flag and covered the table with it. Then, after Alexeis directions, Ian went for candles and blood, to the kitchen. And to remind himself of the right incantations.
-By the way, what is that flag?-Miklos pointed at the Flag
-Old flag of Novorossiya Old local project from 2014. They were giving these out as an anniversary gift. Would love to have an Artsakh too. My uncle is Armenian from there-Alexiei said with slight enthusiasm.
-Hmmm Sorry for what happened to it. I'm from a land that learned a long time ago how vicious turks can be.-Miklos said with half-pretended empathy.
-Ehhhh…-Alexei waved his hand- He immigrated to Sochi in the 80’s.-As he said it Ian returned with Candles in bottles and a cup and placed them on the table.
-Right…Chalk Imean crayon-Ian reached his hand to Alexiei
-O…-Alexeir quickly went to the bedroom and soon returned with a burgundy-coloured one.
Ian made an unsure face but began drawing a crude pentagram-like shape with some words in it.
-Now…The blood.-Ian stood up as Miklos lit the candles.
Alexei sighed. He took out a bayonet and with a tip of it he pressed hard enough for the blood to begin dropping into the cup.
Ian and Miklos looked at each other, not sure what to make of it. But they knew they had to trust the virginity of the Russian soldier.
They grabbed each other's hands and Miklos began with words
-duh, duh, što je u ovoj kući… odjebi ovamo, skačući gore-dolje
Miklos looked at him like a child of special care.
-By the grace of God I shall slay thine retard.- Miklos said, looking at the sky- That’s the spell you had in that beef pastry in between your ears?
-I’d like to see you say something better mr. Great magician. Say it with the same power that you squeal at night due to me.-Ian Shot back.
Miklos went red and screamed.
-Isten kegyelméből megidézem azt a kibaszott szellemet, hogy jelenjen meg előttünk, és ölje meg azt az idiótát a Kinder tojásból!
The room went silent. They looked at each other for a while.
-Well calling me an idiot did not work.
-Ummm guys.-Alexiei said pointing at the door frame
-Apparently it did- Miklos said, surprised.
The weird ball hovered in the door frame. It displayed a weird yellow and blue aura around it. All free of them slowly backed away. Not sure what to do.
-so…Now what? -Alexei said and gave a look to the ghostbusters.
-I,…Umm I'm trying to think of something.-Miklos said in a bit of a quivering voice while noticing the changing environment around them.
-I…I might have an idea. -Ian suddenly said. -We will summon a different ghost. A ghost of a Russian soldier so he will defeat away that ghost. And we will have an element of surprise since it doesn’t seem to realize we can see him.-Ian explained as two other men looked at him like he just Disemboweled himself.
-Are you fucking idiot? Well yes you are but-Miklos was trying to say but Ian stopped him
-Listen since I will be a Russian ghost he will be easier to exorcise since he is already Russian and we are in the city taken by Russia so he will think he helped conquering it-Ian tried to explain himself.
Both Miklos and Alexei looked at each other.
As they gathered around the table with lit candles trying to ignore the weird energy ball.
-ummm…O spirit of a warrior please come to us? -Ian tried to make up a spell but to no effect-Umm Miklos say it but in Hungarian
-Ian do you really think my language makes words into a magical mambo jumbo?-Miklos looked at Ian.
-Just fuckin say it you under made Soap box-Ian spouted.
-…Ó, harcos szellem, kérlek, gyere el hozzánk?-Miklos said unconvinced.
For a while they looked at each outer, but to Mikloses displeasure, a different orb appeared before them. this time Displaying a yellow black and white aura.
For a while they hovered next to each other. Only to suddenly fly into each other beginning a frantic light chase and making their surroundings into a weird veiny texture making it all look like a bad trip. Due to all of these reasons All 3 men escaped to the balcony.
-Well Now what genius?-Miklos said while tapping his right foot.
Ian stood silent leaning onto a balcony. With a worried look on his face.
-I have an Idea.-Ian finally said.
-I Don’t want more of your Ideas-Alexei said-So far both of these ended in my flat becoming a spiritual gala MMA.
-huh Maybe that's a good idea for a business.-Miklos muttered to himself but judging by the venomous look Alexei gave him not silent enough.
-Listen…We need to show these ghost visions of their wifes. Because if we go by the median average the wife or girlfriend of the Ukrainian ghost probably betrayed him while the wife of a Russian guy remained true. So that the power of the Ukrainian ghost will weaken while the power of the Russian one will be strengthened so he will kick out a Ukrainian one and will leave this world content.-Ian explained his idea
After this explanation Miklos and Alexei looked at him like one would look at a mentally slow child that bloody soiled itself. While singing Kumbaya. Naked.
-Did you take that info from…/pol/?-Miklos asked defeated
Ian tried to not make eye contact.
Miklos could only Facepalm
Alexey could not because he was supporting himself out of sheer disbelief by the balcony.
Ian Tried to make a sensible argument in favour
And the flat was beginning to look like a combination of spaghetti, Persian carpet and the internal shot of a vore drawing while 2 orbs were touching itselfs.
After calming down they begrudgingly agreed.They worked out the right spells and agreed who is leading the ritual (It was still Ian because he could not make situation possibly worse…for them at least) As they stepped into the room they felt a weird ticklish feeling on their feet they did not wish to find out what it was.
They gathered round the table for the third time and Miklos said the right words and suddenly darkness that was a shade of Prussian blue
-Now what?-Alexei asked defeated
-Ukrainian or Russian?- Ian asked back
-W…what sort of question is that what is going on and? and?-Alexei feld mind broken.
-UKRAINIAN OR RUSSIAN?-Miklos and Ian Screamed the question
-UKRAINIAN-Alexei screamed back
Suddenly the prussian blue darkness gave out to a place in…France. They saw a woman standing on a bridge as she locked a padlock on some bridge. and threw away the key into a river while holding a phone. Then with a sudden flash they were in a different flat. The girl was sitting and reading a phone on some tripod. They deduced that she was the girlfriend and she was making tiktoks. Then they noticed the Yellow and blue orb change into a human-like shape and it reached it’s hand onto a girl. Suddenly they heard a creaking of the key and the opening of the door. Then they saw.
An Arabian man came here and Lovingly hugged and started making a tiktok. And then they understood. and the made out of orbman understood too and fell on his knees.
-Man that is foul.-Alexei said
-Oh shut up, that's what happens in war- Miklos said - Now let’s empower the Russians and you will have a nice and calm apartment.
Then after a weird fog like effect they found themselves in a flat similar to the one they tried to clean.
She was making a tik tok too. Hugging and kissing a Chinese guy while being dressed in a red army uniform.
-Krasni…this is why i wear the tsars colours.-Alexei muttered to himself
But it was not important the orb man that formed out of a russian ghost grabbed his hand and began shaking.
Suddenly prussian blue darkness again and all three could see were nationalistic orbs representing the soldiers violently shaking and pulsating. They were scared and prepared for the explosion but that did not happen. What happened instead was that these orbs began pulsating in a tempo that resembled conversation and then they both left changing into glittery dust. Slowly removing the darkness and corruption leaving only an empty silent Apartment
-Wtf was that…-Alexei said to himself.
All three finally finished cleaning the room and could finally contemplate on what they were part of.
-Well…If I gather it right. The 2 ghosts connected and kind of became friends because they found a common ground in hating their unfaithful women which overcame National grievances.-Miklos said apathiclay.
-That sounds Bad honestly and I doubt there is much of a moral in that.-Alexei said unhappy
-Not every story has a good moral. Our stories have rotten ones quite often.-Ian inquired.
-I agree.-Miklos added- Now the payment- as he tried to reach out a hand.
Alexei sighed and went to the bedroom for the money.
Ian and Miklos stood on a bus stop waiting for the nightly cruise to Crimea.
And as they were sitting. A man with a suitcase approached them and sat next to them.
-Wonderful night.-The man said.
-Yea- Miklos answered tiredly.
-Mr Miklos?-The man asked
-Yea-Miklos answered tiredly.
-I think Rebelion might have a job for both of you.
-yea?-Miklos answered tiredly
Ian was woken up by a slap to the face done by Miklos.
Ian wanted to punch him but he noticed the man sitting next to him.
The bus finally came but there was nobody waiting.
The End
