The Log of Misconduct
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The Log of Misconduct
This log is for reporting general misconduct, including (but not limited to):

  • Misuse of Chaos Insurgency Items
  • Direct disobeying of Alpha Personnel orders
  • Trespassing beyond authorized clearance level
  • Direct disobeying of specific Item Protocol
  • Subversion and manipulation of the Doctrine, Statement, or Employee Handbook in disregard for common sense
  • Beating other personnel without a beating licence
  • Murdering staff members and test subjects "Because you feel like it"

Please use this format for all entries:

Personnel Involved:
Description of Misconduct:
Notes: (optional)

Date: Continuously every morning at 5:30 A.M.
Location: Base Six, [REDACTED] Wing
Personnel Involved: Dr. Strate
Description of Misconduct: Using the Physics Engine to make Tea; continuously denying proposed tests for the Physics Engine without reason
Punishment: A series of lectures on the proper usage of staff materials, items, site resources, honesty, good values, anti-Shrekism and believing in yourself.
Notes: Damn it, Strate, how the fuck did you manage to turn our only SC0-Event Simulator into a tea brewer? -Dr. Caduceus

Date: ██/██/19██
Location: Facility Bathtub-05, Anomalous Biological Containment Wing
Personnel Involved: Dr. █████████, Dr. ███████
Description of Misconduct: Attempting to mate the objects ████████ █████ and ███ ████████ ██████████ together, destroying both objects and the entire Mammal Containment Wing, along with all personnel currently inside.
Notes: I kind of wish it worked, I'd really like to see a cross between ████████ █████ and ███ ████████ ██████████. A giant flurry of wings and spikes and big, fleshy [REDACTED]. Sounds like hell to clean up after, though. -Dr. ████████████

Date: 06/19/2014
Location: Base Eleven
Personnel Involved: Dr. Martin Caduceus
Description of Misconduct: Tackled passing-by researchers and personnel to the floor in a jackfruit costume. Subdued with tranquilizer-laced berry mint: was presumed dead due to mishandled dosage check. Regained consciousness after 2 hours.
Punishment: None. We let the bastard get off free.
Notes: I got nothing. - Dr. Deny

Date: 04/07/2014
Location: Base Four, [REDACTED] Wing
Personnel Involved: Dr. Creed
Description of Misconduct: Replaced Dr.█████'s collection of AC/DC with his own covers of the various songs, using the Disharmonious Guitar as the main instrument. Dr. █████ was found dead within minutes.
Punishment: Sent to base 19, in Columbia. He is to be testing [REDACTED], the newly contained item known for producing shrill sounds when tested upon.
Notes: Creed, you have big balls if you thought you would get away with this. To boot, your singing voice sounds like you hit puberty at 35. - Dr.█████████

Date: 04/01/2014
Location: Facility: Kibble-17
Personnel Involved: Doctor Arf, Doctor Bark and, Doctor Woof
Description of Misconduct: Dr. Woof, Dr. Bark and Dr. Arf created a makeshift doghouse using 3 Chaos Insurgency Items. Numerous puddles of urine and feces were found in the facility cafeteria. Dr. Arf was caught sexually harassing several staff's legs.
Punishment: All personnel involved sent to the kennel for 72 hours. Dr. Arf put on leash.

Date: 11/03/2013
Location: Base Eleven
Personnel Involved: Dr. Loretta, Dr. Erich, 14 other personnel involved
Description of Misconduct: Dr. Loretta and Dr. Erich persuaded numerous Base Eleven personnel to attend the ████████ Music Festival that was being held in ██████. The money for tickets, transportation and other things was taken directly from Funds Storage. Treasury personnel were found dancing outside their posts. Teams were sent to recover and reprimand the missing personnel.
Punishment: Under 6-month probation; Dr. Erich currently serving as test subject to avoid termination of employment.
Notes: So ends the rampage of the so-called Party Girls. - Base Eleven Assistant Director

Date: 3/27/200█
Location: Base Six
Personnel Involved: Doctor Halsey, Base Six Oversight Committee
Description of Misconduct: Class H Dissent incident (disrespect to superiors, total number of incidents: 12)
Punishment: Demotion to Gamma clearance, and relocation to Base Four.
Notes: Upon departure, Doctor Halsey is believed to have left a form of malware in the Base Six Servers. The malware activates upon any attempt to access ██████'s file, at which time a nude picture of ██████ would appear instead, along with the subtext: I got the last laugh. Doctor Halsey's involvement has not been confirmed, and the malware cannot be traced back to him. (██████, who is the Senior Research Director of Base Six, has kept the investigation going for ██ months, 3 months beyond normal Internal Affairs case protocol.) The malware has resisted any and all attempts to remove it, and still remains in the servers. Much to ██████'s dismay the malware has been deemed "an acceptable loss" and funding towards its removal has been suspended permanently.

Any furTh3r R3p0RtZ 0-0-0-0fffFF223%%% Loading Malware The little ass-wipe had it out for me, just becaUse I d1d whaT anYone would HaavE DunNN!$%(#^… |Security Protocol Enabled|: Malware repelled, contact a tech specialist for the isolation and deletion of this malware.

Date: ██/██/████
Location: Base Four
Personnel Involved: Doctor Victor Strate
Description of Misconduct: Victor did absolutely nothing and was a complete angel and deserves a promotion. Dr. Strate hacked into Insurgency servers and tampered with numerous files regarding his recent misconduct.
Punishment: One promotion, one cookie. One thorough beating, administered By Dr. Caduceus.
Notes: I'm pretty sure that wasn't the intended punishment. I'm requesting Caduceus be sent over to the Staff Well-being center for a psychological examination. -Dr. [REDACTED]

Date: ██/██/████
Location: Base Four
Personnel Involved: Dr. Caduceus
Description of Misconduct: Beating another staff member to death for attempting to refer him to the Staff Well-being center.
Punishment: Temporary suspension of Caduceus's beating licence.
Notes: Wait, there's a licence for that? I want one. -Dr. [REDACTED]
No. -Dr. Caduceus
Cad, you need to stop beating people to death for questioning your actions. First there was [REDACTED], then [REDACTED], now [REDACTED], too?! -Dr. Deny

Date: 9/24/2014
Location: Facility: Kibble-17
Personnel Involved: Dr. Arf, Dr. Bark, Dr. Woof and Dr. Halsey.
Description of Misconduct: Dr. Halsey went on a "genocide-murder-death-torture-pain spree" killing all three sentient dogs at the facility.
Punishment: The revocation of Dr. Halseys Mountain Dew privileges and one extremely thorough beating, administered By Dr. Caduceus and Dr. Deny. Dr. Caduceus's beating licence was temporarily reinstated for the purposes of Dr. Halsey's punishment.
Notes: Dr. Halsey was found in the common area by seven empty two liter bottles of Mountain Dew and the corpses of Doctors Woof, Bark and Arf. When detained by site security Dr. Halsey resisted, commenting that the facility wasn't done yet and the walls were not red enough. a postmortem autopsy of the three dogs pin pointed cause of death as 'massive organ failure', and traces of a modified strain of the Sporal Contagion were found in the corpses, but disintegrated quickly before the operator could analyze it. In deviation from normal procedure, the redaction of Dr. Arf, Bark, and Woof has been repealed by request of Dr. Abrasion.
Yes, I got that licence too, Cad! -Dr. Deny
Hey listen, everyone. Why don't I buy us all beers, eh? - Dr. Martin
Calling for termination of Doctors Halsey, Deny and Caduceus - ALPHA Crayfish
God dammit, enough with the termination orders. Request denied. -ALPHA Andromeda

Date: Unknown

Location: Base 4 Base 6 Base 69 Base 11 Base 5? Base 4

Personnel: Dr. Edward Grimshear Deny, Dr. Martin Caduceus, Dr. Victor Strate, Dr. Halsey, Dr. Adam Creed, Dr. Hockenberry

Description of Misconduct: Dr. Edward Grimshear Deny attempted to clinically torture Dr. Halsey, Caduceus, Strate, Creed, and Hockenberry for "what little amusement he had in his grey and tedious life" The unauthorized test placed all 5 research staff inside a dark cramped room for 2 days and nights without any provisions and only stagnant water to consume. Witnesses described Dr. Deny peering through a half-silvered mirror at the imprisoned staff members while psychologically abusing them via the PA system in an attempt to break their spirit and drive the personnel in question to insanity. When questioned regarding the incident and why he carried it out, Dr. Deny stated that "He'd enjoyed watching the ants squirm"

Doctor Halsey, Caduceus, Strate, Creed, and Hockenberry forcibly barricaded themselves inside a testing chamber without authorization from the Base's Senior Research Director. The 5 doctors misused several uncatalogued items for 2 days before finally being spotted by Dr. Edward Grimshear Deny, whom reprimanded the personnel involved and immediately notified his superiors.

Punishment: 6 Months Probation from work for breaking work protocols. Any misuse or abuse of research staff jurisdiction for the personal amusement of oneself as well as experimentation of Staff members are all punishable offences.

Punishment lifted due to lack of evidence against Dr. Deny. Dr. Halsey, Caduceus, Strate, Creed, and Hockenberry will each individually receive 6 month-probation for their aforementioned offences.

Seeing as None of the witnesses nor the victims have any recollections nor concrete evidence against Dr. Deny, I'm renouncing his punishment. Even I don't remember what he even did! What did he do? Why are we talking about him? -ALPHA Command

Notes: All personnel involved in the incident previously stated that Dr. Deny had indeed committed said offences. However on the next day, all personnel involved in the incident suddenly remembered no such recollections other than the currently accepted evidence that the 5 doctors had misused items. It is to be noted that on that day, all personnel were paid a visit by Dr. Edward Grimshire Deny himself before losing their recollections.

Enough is enough gentlemen, There's no use beating a dead horse with a stick. The human memory is an unreliable transcriber of events. Let us look at the facts shall we? Has any physical evidence revealed that I had committed my accused wrongdoings? No. The evidence points to the 5 research staff members clearly. Everything leaves a trace behind. But I have none. Let the 5 doctors reap what they have sown and thus their harvests will be collected. Good day gentlemen. -Dr. Deny

Edison, we all know this isn't what happened. As a matter of fact, I think this report is a deliberate inversion of events. Are you trying to cover up your embarrassing incident? You've been revoked of your Alpha access to editing pages in the main terminal. Now, see me in my office. As for the personnel, I'd like to see how you can justify attempting to look like a badass. Strate doesn't even know how to punch properly, but look at him. - ALPHA Commander Crayfish

If you think I can't put two and two together Deny, you're dead wrong. Edward I swear to god if you use that Scythe to abuse Base policy again, I will throw it into the deepest, darkest hole I can find, blow it up with the largest most volatile amount of explosives I can collect, burn the shrapnel into as much ash, scatter the ashen remains into the Physics Engine, and implode it into a black hole. Item protocol be damned to hell and back. -Doctor Halsey

Date: 10/25/2014
Location: Base Six
Personnel Involved: Dr. Martin Caduceus, Dr. Victor Strate and 13 personnel
Description of Misconduct: Doctor Caduceus introduced Dr. Strate to the game 'cookie clicker'. In his desire to keep playing Dr. Strate killed 13 Chaos Insurgency personnel who attempted to stop him. Dr. Caduceus eventually killed the power to Dr. Strate's terminal, deactivating the game.
Punishment: Dr. Strate is not to play cookie clicker, or any other games designed to be addictive. Dr. Caduceus was given a lecture regarding the incident and a mandatory visit to the staff well being center.
Notes: The copy of the game is being tested for cognitohazards and memetic properties.

Date: 7/11/2019
Location: Base Twenty-Seven
Personnel Involved: Researcher Multa, Dr. ████, Agent Ellis
Description of Misconduct: Researcher Multa barricaded himself in the broadcasting room of Base 27's administrative building and proceeded to play the the Rhodesian Zimbabwean military song "Sweet Banana" over the site-wide PA system on a continuous loop. After forty (40) minutes of the song playing, Dr. ████ and Agent Ellis broke down the room's door with the use of ████████████████████ and proceeded to beat Researcher Multa. When questioned as to his motives behind incident, Agent Ellis stated "I just couldn't take that fucking music any longer".
Punishment: Researcher Multa was verbally reprimanded, banned from accessing Base 27's administrative building for ANY reason and lost music privileges for three months.
Notes: Hey, where can I get my hand on one of those "Beating Licences" I've heard so much about? I got a bone to pick with those dicknuggets who smashed my face in. -Researcher Multa
REQUEST DENIED! Take your beating like a man, maybe next time you'll think before playing crappy folk music over the PA. -Base 27 Director

Date: 5/14/2020
Location: Research Central Base: Four
Personnel Involved: Dr. Salf
Description of Misconduct: At 6:45 AM, Dr. Salf began to beat Dr. ████████ without a beating license, accidently killing him.
Punishment: Dr. Salf was thoroughly beaten for ten minutes, and was demoted to Gamma-Level.
Notes: Requesting a beating license to beat who beat me, and also Caduceus. - Dr. Salf
REQUEST DENIED, Next time get a license before beating! - ALPHA Moongazer

Please note that any and all deceased personnel's names are to be redacted when included in the Misconduct Logs.

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