Satire Truck
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This document is labeled an Occult Artifact by the Thaumatologics and Occult Artifacts Department (THOCAD) and has Type III Esoteric Status. Inoculation of THOCAD-specific material and terminologies is expected. Requests to be given a Project-Specific Declassified Dossier on THOCAD-specific material may be filed to Database Watch.

Item: Satire Truck
Size: 3.4 meters height, 6.1 meters length,
Type: Class-6 Isuzu Box Truck
Sentient: Yes
Potential/Current Hazards Not hostile to Insurgency personnel, otherwise dangerous
Required Wear/Weaponry None needed. Carry extra fuel during operations.
Location: Base Eight
Reported Anomaly: Sentient, animate truck with satirical streak

The Satire Truck serves under the Automatons Department as a Special Asset, making use of its capabilities to provide security to convoys and important vehicles. Only selected personnel are allowed to operate the truck. It must not be used for any unofficial agenda unless cleared by the object's on-duty Overwatcher and CONT-STO supervisor. The truck must be provided with sufficient fuel that is two parts specialized gasoline mixed with one part orphan blood. Under no circumstances are for personnel to berate and demoralize the entity inside the truck.


Satire Truck

The Satire Truck is a graffitied RMC Class-6 medium-rigid box truck. The creation date for the truck is currently being researched, as standard age-determining methods place its creation during the 4th Century. However, it has been determined that the truck brand is Isuzu. The truck cab interior has been affixed with symbols and glyphs corresponding to that made by █████ occult tribes in the Mediterranean during 4██-680 AD. Attempts to deface or erase the symbols have been met with the truck becoming increasingly unstable and unfit for driving, although this change is negated after two to six days. Further examination of the truck's parts do not seem to have anomalies: the engine, frame and drivetrain all do not possess any strange characteristics, aside from the aforementioned age anomaly.

The truck cab has a CB radio that is constantly set at 27.9██ MHz. When the truck is not activated, this channel will broadcast static and a distorted version of a radio channel between 26.965 MHz and 27.185 MHz. Other features are similarly unresponsive to modifications. The radio cannot be reached by other radios. The CB microphone does not seem to broadcast to other CB radios and is apparently configured to respond to itself.

When the truck's engine is activated, operated by a subject, and with at least four-fifths of its maximum fuel capacity filled, the anomalous qualities of the truck start to manifest: the truck will grow a thin, flexible tissue from its cargo box to the cab. This tissue will rapidly grow equine hair of up to 8 cm in length. Horns will be generated and will protrude from the roof of the cab. These horns are of Capra aegagrus hircus nature, or that of the common goat. The time for changes to occur take approximately 20 seconds. During this time, the cab radio will play instrumental rock metal.

The Satire Truck has been theorized by officials from THOCAD to being the host for the spirit of a satyr. This has been subject to debate. Once transformation has been completed, the physical appearance of the subject operating the vehicle will reconfigure into that of a burning human skeleton to observers. This has been proven to be nothing more than a highly resilient hallucination exclusive to human senses; remote observation does not have any effect.

The entity inside the truck is sapient and responsive to stimuli. It communicates via the CB radio in a loud, Minnesotan accent. Talking with the entity often results in sarcasm and retorts, although the entity is rather amicable and juvenile in its tone. The truck can be driven and operated normally. As the subject drives, the entity will seek communication with the operator. This is done mainly in the form of commentary on the subject's driving skills, but also includes random topics, satire, and anecdotes.

Threats presented and acknowledged by the truck rise in internal temperature until they expire from extreme heat. The truck may also ram at the threat without damaging itself. Furthermore, when needed, it can induce a rage state in the operator. Loud death metal music can be heard from the truck at this time.

Selected Log Transcripts

Interviewer: Dr. Ralger


<A joyful rendition of O Fortuna plays on the radio.>

Entity: Commencement of the silver circle, threefold trefoils of the three-pronged crucifix. Awaiting her whose directives are holy and correct.

Entity: Hey there! Name's Powell. People call me Eric, though.

Dr. Ralger: Hi there, Eri-

Entity: Powell. It's Powell.

Dr. Ralger: Alright then, Powe-

Entity: Pow-ell.

Dr. Ralger: Powell. Yes, of course. So, if we may begin, I would like to ask some questions. Is that alright with you?

Entity: Alright with me, Ralger dearie.

Dr. Ralger: Eh, yes. Okay, so, first… can you remember how you managed to end up inside the truck?

Entity: <Voice deepens.> Truck. Was not truck at first. Was chariot - horseless chariot. Also giant horse-man. Silver circle. Circle imbued chariot with me. In a way, I was both Chariot and Satyr.

Dr. Ralger: Yes, of course. Thank you. Next question. Can you describe what it is like in that truck?

Entity: <Voice reverts to normal.> Call me a goddamn chariot, doc.

Dr. Ralger: Chariot. What is it like inside the truck.

<Both recorded saying "Oh, for goddamnit's sake!" before slapping themselves on the forehead, heretofore referred as a 'facepalm'.>

Entity: <Sigh recorded. The sigh is audible and was obviously done out of frustration.> I'll just get to my story. You see- <Further evidence suggests that the sigh was most audible from the CB Radio, as expected.>- … Yes, alright. So, again, I was a happy little satyr, see? Just minding my livelihood in the Greek era, when <Water vapor presumed to have come from the sigh seems to have emanated from the exhaust.> can you shut up, narrative? <Sigh narrative terminated. Sigh.>

Dr. Ralger: Is everything alright, Chariot?

Entity: Some shit is interrupting the interview, doc. But, by all means, carry on.

Dr. Ralger: I'm afraid I will have to split another interview for tomorrow. I have exceeded my time.

Entity:… Really? Four minutes? You're a real tight-ass.

Dr. Ralger: Bye, Truc— … oh, fuck.

<Truck enters a noticeable rage state; interior of cab glows bright red; Dr. Ralger seems unable to exit the cab and is seen being thrown around.>

<Log terminated.>

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