Martin Caduceus and the McFlurry of Shit
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Martin Caduceus screamed at his nurse-office assistant for the fourth time. Not waiting for her to cry, he immediately relieved her for the day, grimly accompanying her to the door. Just before leaving, she peeled off the bandage on her forearm and flicked it at Martin's face. She sprinted away as the door closed off.

The physician was mad. His collar was unbuttoned, he held his belt like a whip, and his teeth were gnashed together. He didn't wear a necktie, because he lost it at the wash station the night before. Biding and releasing his rage, he let loose a deep-voiced scream, one that could be picked up by the Richter scale.

Huffing heavily, the still angered doctor took one of the couches by two hands and hurled it across his office, neatly missing his scalpel aquarium by two-thirds of a meter.

His eyes focused on the school of sentient scalpels swimming around the glass aquarium. He went up to it and took four of the scalpels. They writhed and flailed in his hand, gasping for isopropyl alcohol and hand sanitizer. He tightened his grip on all of them and started stabbing the walls. When they wouldn't budge, or even scratch, he directed his rage at the life-sized Haos statue that Camera 12a was focused on, currently at the Base Eleven Atrium.

With all of the primal anger his violently shaking self can muster, he devoured the four scalpel fishes in one chomp, letting out another deep scream. He pried open his dartgun cabinet, forgetting the concept of a handle, and dug through to find his old Jolt. He took the plastic gun and holstered it to his belt, which he put back on.


He marched menacingly down Base Eleven's left wing's bridge, not even bothering to change beforehand. He was still covered in scalpels that stuck on to his clothes, bandages, and half-chewed berry mints. He smelled like an unholy mixture of stale hand sanitizer, untreated wounds and berries that had coagulated together perversely. The passing-by personnel, who were on their way to the Med Wing for duty hours, winced immediately at the recognition of Dr. Martin's visage, doing everything they could to avoid the CDC Man.

One very unlucky soul happened to bump into the doctor.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry, Doc, I s-should'a seen y—"

"YOU WATCH WHERE THE EYELESS BLIND FUCK YOU'RE GOING."

"Yes si-."

"GET OUT OF MY DAMNED FUCKING WAY THEN! AND WATCH YOUR MOUTH, MOCKTARD!"

"PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICKER THAN FLESHSPREAD. WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA DO THIS? BUMPING INTO PEOPLE; RUINING THEIR GOD-DAMNED LIVES!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT… EVERYTHING'S SHIT! ALL OF IT, SHIT! LIFE IS JUST LIKE A BIG MCFLURRY OF SHIT, AND I'M THE CASHIER AND THE CUSTOMER! GET IT? A BIG MCFLURRY OF SHIT!"

"I-I don't think I understand.."

"WELL FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR WERNICKE'S AREA!"

He was promptly backhanded by the doctor, who stormed off again.

Dr. Edeikel Delts saw what happened from the other end of the bridge and rushed to help the fallen intern. By the time he went for Caduceus, he had already boarded the elevator.


He had arrived at the atrium at its peak in bystanders. Out of nowhere, he busted out not just the Jolt, but many more dart guns, and started firing at the statue. When he ran out of the 17,890 darts he brought, he went on all fours and started convulsing. Every dart unsheathed a sharp scalpel blade, and propelled through some unnatural force into the statue, which was cut in ten-thousandths.

He let out one last scream before disappearing in a flash of bright, red light.

From the crowd of witnesses, Doctor Habanchi remarked.

"Fuck."


Doctor Halsey sneered at the messed-up nurse as he walked past her. The Haos statue had been obliterated by a literal hurricane of darts this morning. He checked his phone, which was full of texts from Victor. A grab of the messages in his inbox read:

"Oh shit, oh shit, read this: base11://haos-statue-attack.ci"

"Halsey, we gotta do something! Haos is pissed! Catch the next VTOL to B11!"

"We gotta work on this case, ASAP! Internal Affairs needs us! Get yourself to Base Eleven PRONTO!"

"Haos is on to me. Haos is on to me."

"Halsey pls help"

Without delay, he got in front of the vending machine as he put his phone back into his pocket. Taking advantage of the commotion at the lobby and IA department, he had the quiet of Base Four all to himself, what with all the cameras being shut down. He broke open the case with his fist and hoarded all of the Mountain Dew for himself.

A can of Fanta rolled out. He happily crushed it with his foot.

No one would suspect what had happened the night before to be his work.


The night before

"Hey, Victor, want to do something awesome and exciting with me for fifty bucks?"

"Holy shit, Halsey, put the koala away. No. NO."

"Nah, dude, look, here's the deal: see, I've just programmed something that can accurately replicate Haos' grammar and syntax, penmanship and signature, and print it. I have a piece of 1-grand Base One ceremonial paper here, so what we're gonna do is—."

"Put you and me in charge of the Medical Department and-"

Halsey whispered close to Strate.

"- fire Caduceus."

"Shit, man, really?"

"Yiss dude."


Sometime then, in Base One, in the middle of the night:

"Aww, shit, how the hell did we even break in here?" Halsey said, rubbing the fake plastic leaves on his novelty camo helmet.

"Be quiet, don't disturb them. Now, quick, get the Caduceus life-sized statue, blood, dead security guard dummies and demonic wallpaper."

The two sneakily opened the door to Haos' bedroom, put the statue in front of Haos' sleeping form, placed the dummies around and glued the wallpaper into place.


Halsey took a swig of Mtn Dew.

Today was a good day.

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