Introduction to the FID
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Audio Seminar: FID-42-B

Speaker: Researcher Multa Zowie
Subject: Introduction to Field Investigative Division
Archivist: Dr. ██████████

» Begin Audio Transcript «

"Good evening everyone, please take a seat… and yes, I am exactly who you think I am… and yes, this is punishment for that whole Rhodesia incident (I SAID I'M SORRY)! Anyways, I should probably start out by telling you that I downed about a containment cell's worth of Mike's lemonade before coming in today, so I'm sorry if this seminar goes off topic. (SINGLE INAUDIBLE MURMUR FROM AUDIENCE) Hey fuck you bud, it is too a manly drink!

Annnnnnyways, your all here watching this half-assed seminar because you want to be like me. You, want to join the ranks of the Field Investigative Division.

This either means one of two things… One: you pissed off someone important and they sent you here as punishment. Or two: you want to do what I do and become Field Researchers. Well, if your the former then I'm sincerely sorry and wish you all the best. But if your the ladder (AUDIBLE CHUCKLES ARE HEARD FROM PRESENTER), then listen up; because I'm about to give you pointers on how to successfully function as a Field Research Operative within the Chaos Insurgency.

Now then, what exactly is a Field Researcher? Anyone? (INAUDIBLE MURMUR FROM AUDIENCE) No! Contrary to popular belief, a Field Researcher is not just a suicide job reserved for the worst and most incompetent of the Insurgency's personnel (Well not completely anyways). No, the job of a Field Researcher is to do exactly three things… To study anomalous items in the wild, to assess the viability of them with the Insurgency and to help capture the damn things.

Because that's what our main job is down here in the FID, we decide what DOES and DOES NOT get contained. We are responsible for conducting preliminary reports on objects both before, and during initial capture.

Here's your first pointer; when your out in the field, you have ONE chance, and one chance only to record all the important details that a team needs to contain one of these fuckers. (SNICKER HEARD FROM AUDIENCE) You think this is funny? NO! I've seen entire units torn in half because a lazy FR didn't give em' enough information to make a clean grab.

Now I know many of you, including myself; are former SCP, and your probably thinking whether we do these grabs like the foundation does, or you might be wondering why the Field Agents just don't write these reports themselves? Well I'll tell you… It's really simple… WERE NOT THE FUCKING SCP FOUNDATION!

Our Agents' jobs are to infiltrate world organisations and gather intelligence, and although you may have to work with one while your out on the field sometime, they are not responsible for finding these things. That honorable task is placed upon us. We are the first in and first out. SO DON'T FUCK IT UP!

Anyways, I digress… As I said your job is to work with other field personnel (as well as your department heads) to locate these items and decide whether or not they A) need to be contained, and B) will benefit the CI in any meaningful way. If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then you should observe it. You know, do some National Geographic type shit… Observe it's habits (if there are any), how it interacts with it's environment and subjugation to external stimuli. Then, decide the most effective way to capture the thing. Once you get a basic idea on what the item is, send the info you gathered to your Team head. They in turn will get the okay from the higher ups to proceed. (AUDIBLE CHUCKLES ARE HEARD FROM PRESENTER) That's when the fun begins.

Once a 'go ahead' is issued, your job is to accompany your assigned containment team in securing the object. That's right, your going to be in there… Now this is why it's considered a suicide job. Because we have to help with the capture on the scene. Oh. and did I forget to mention that you'll be unarmed? (AUDIBLE MURMURS FROM AUDIENCE) That's right, no weapons. THAT is what separates us from the average containment agent. Our jobs are… Well, your job is to take field notes whilst the containment is underway.

Once the job is done and the item is in our custody, your next task is to write it all up in a nice little report and give it to your Department Head so they can give it to the spark-junkies down in the R&D to work with… And here's your next pointer, when your writing up a report make it brief. We don't need unnecessary information, that's for the Containment Researchers to figure out, all you need to put is name, size, date of capture and a brief description of what the thing does and how the containment went.

Annnnnnnnnd, that's about it. That's your job, you study an anomaly, then help capture the damn thing. Anyways, good luck out there and if you need anything! The old door is always open… Except on Sundays… Never, EVER disturb me on a Sunday!

Anyways, class dismissed".

» End of Audio Recording «

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