I raised my head and looked in your direction.
The narrow and dazzling light poured down from the gap, sprinkled on you, and sprinkled on my face, tearing a gap in the darkness. I sat on the ground with my arms on my knees and looked at you sitting in a chair not far away. I couldn't see your face, the light made me unable to open my eyes, but I knowed it's you. I didn't speak, or couldn't speak, but I still couldn't take my eyes off you, I was watching you with peace of mind.
"What kind of existence am I?" you asked me.
My eyes widened, but the surprise was fleeting. I started to think.
You are an independent person, whether you are willing to get rid of everything and make a living in the cold city in the past, or you are tenacious and serious in the future to maintain everything - even if I am by your side. You sometimes feel lonely and sad, but it doesn't matter to you, you just survived by not pleasing by external gains and not saddening by personnal losses.
You are a shrewd and capable person, even in the face of the huge scientific research empire I created, you can run it in an orderly manner with ease. No matter how complicated it is, as long as it is handed to you, I can forget about it and have no worries. You can stand up to the investigation of all parties and bury all the dirty deeds I have done. You never feel inconvenience and can complete your tasks anytime and anywhere.
You are a kind and gentle person, every colleague likes you. You always take back your serious indifference at the right time and show your inner softness. No matter who is around you, they can always feel the warmth you exude. Even if I am like a walking corpse, I can touch the beautiful emotions that you radiate.
You are an emotional and single-minded person. Since I kept you by my side, no matter what I do, you will silently undertake it and become my supporter. You can tolerate everything I do, tolerate my indifference and rudeness, and understand my pain and madness. Even if countless people express their love to you after that, even if in the end you have to choose between surrender and death, you still choose to stand by my side.
I looked at you, said nothing, and shook my head gently.
"What am I to you?" you asked softly again.
I bowed my head slightly, thinking about this difficult question.
Are you nothing to me?
You are the object of my deceit. I only appeared at a specific time and a specific place and I break into your heart while taking advantage of the emptiness, then you start to follow me and serve me. You're just so stupid that you don't mind that I'm just taking advantage of your value, even after the tenderness I gave you in the first place is shattered, you still choose to turn a blind eye.
You are my shield. I can make you stand in front of me, cover up my inhuman behavior, cover up my crimes, and provide me with a shadow that allows me to do whatever I want. No matter how big the flow of money, how horrible the research, you can always bury it from the eyes of those who watch us.
You are my container of pleasure at all times. I can take all my troubles out on you and take the pleasure of sex frantically from you. No matter how rough my behavior was, how much pain you endured, you never complained. You are always willing to hold my hand gently when you just woke up, and be close to me who was like a beast last night.
You are my sharp edge. You are willing to wield your weapon for me and kill for me people who are not actually related to you. You are a free hunter, accepting commissions again and again, and performing tasks silently. In Intervention Group No. 221, you always do your job well, you are my invisible hand, reaching out to the shadows that I can't reach.
You are my harbor. There is a feeling called belonging. I'm used to seeing the lights on when I come home at night; waking up to the smell of wheat and seeing slices of toast. Get used to the kiss after closing my eyes; and the hug after opening my eyes. Even though I'm restraining and even laughing at this sense of belonging, I have to admit to this attachment from the inside out.
I raised my head and looked in your direction again with a wry smile.
You don't make a sound, I can feel your eyes cast down, wrapped in light, covering my face. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the light, but I still couldn't see your face.
My mind was very clear, which is very rare. Many days of drunken life and dream death have left my thinking in chaos for a long time. I didn't want to and couldn't think about any questions, organize any thoughts. But your question gave me a little room to think in my chaotic head. I laughed at myself, laughing at myself for being so stupid and numb that I couldn't answer any of your questions. I closed my eyes and revisited your question.
Emotions were once considered by me to be the main culprit in wasting time, energy and money and hindering human progress. I hate emotions and resist everything that might interfere with me. So I spent a lot of time on emotion research, trying to get rid of the constraints of emotion on human beings. So i shouldn't have any feelings for you. I tried to turn a blind eye to everything, tried to respond to your tenderness with a cold performance, tried to dilute your love with bad behavior, but nothing worked. You are such a fool, why did you fall in love with a scum like this, why did you want to be so determined and waste your life so much? Yes, you are a fool. You should know that everything you do will only be ignored by me, and you should understand that I was deliberately trying to break your heart. That being the case, why gave without asking for anything in return?
I felt a few soft, cold touches on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and saw you with your hand gently brushing my face. You stretch out your hand, gently pull me up, interlock with my fingers, and lead me to the direction of the light.
You like to interlock with me. Maybe it's because I was sorry for you, maybe because of other reasons, I didn't avoid this small action, but chose to acquiesce. This has become your prerogative, as long as you walk with me, you will always clasp my fingers with me.
I watch you carefully, from head to toe. Is that a wedding dress? You said that you like wedding dresses, and you yearned to look like wearing wedding dresses. Even though you knew I would never give you the chance to wear it, you said it casually, as easily as an account of a past event. You wear it…so beautiful. It fits you like it was made just for you to wear it. You put it on like a transparent angel, leading me to the light.
What is that smell, is it floral? Yes, it is a soft and elegant floral fragrance, which is a floral fragrance from cherry blossoms. As you said, you like cherry blossoms. White is the best, small and delicate, not dazzling or irritating. I also think that cherry blossoms is also the most suitable for you. You are just like cherry blossoms, quietly and carefully exuding your temperature, so clean, so white.
I stopped, and so did you. I slowly stretched the muscles on my face and relaxed the tense nerves, followed by tears from the corners of my eyes.
"You're so stupid, why would you rather risk your life to exchange the debt for me?"
The answer is clear to me, but I just don't want to face it. I thought losing you wasn't a problem, everything was going as usual and someone else would take your place soon. But from the moment the simplest call went unanswered, the tower I had built in my heart fell apart. I tried to numb my nerves, not to face, not to admit what happened. Therefore, even faced your last position：relyed on the "tree of lust2”, I did not show a trace of sadness. I don't want to explain what you did with any emotional reasons, especially what I don't want to face: love.
I finally decided to drop everything, open my arms and try to embrace you. I didn't touch anything but the wind between my arms.
I slowly opened my eyes and habitually reached out to my side, but I didn't touch anything.
The sun shined on my face through the gaps in the curtains, and the soft wind slided through the curtains, sending a hint of floral fragrance to me.
It's the scent of cherry blossoms. I sat up and looked out through the gap. The cherry trees in the yard just bloomed last night, and the white flowers bloomed all over the trees. That's what I planted for you, but this kind of surprise didn't wait until the day you saw them.
Once again, the already wet eyes did not hold back the tears, and they slid down my cheeks. I smiled at that beam of light, raised my arm, and held the warm light.
I knowed, we were intertwining.
