Mongoose

Summary:

You know.

Mongoose

DrCaduceus 09 Sep 2016 03:43

My friends,

I'm at the point where the big tale that's been floating around my sandbox for months needs good, thorough input as I want to wrap it up satisfyingly. Mongoose is open to your feedback, though I would prefer your suggestions/opinions on how I can end it.

Points to consider:

• Do you have an idea of what Mongoose (the thing, not the story) is?
• Are the affiliations of the mentioned characters clear? (I'm intentionally confusing the allies of Mir, Olox, etc., but I'm not sure if it works as intended.)
• Is the progression of events clear?

I'd appreciate straightforward and logical notes on the tale's plot. Thanks in advance.

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Re: Mongoose

Meta Wonderrat 09 Sep 2016 20:15

• The order of events is clear as fare as i understand it.

• There affiliations are clear (if a bit unbelievable, since if you are alpha why would you give that position up? P-guy and Oxol, both at the same time?).

• I could not read out what Mongoose is (but i have some idea what it could be).

In my version mongoose is an Astec like statue that spits mist that restores technologie to a stand as in old south american civilisations. (antic tec booster)

I would conclude the story with Olox betraying Mir, locking himself in the sanctum (the savest place in the base) and Mir getting destroyed by the Machine cocoon thing that was released from the sanctum prison by the mist (making the note of p-guy foreshadowing).
The machine is not converted by the mist (as it's tec is older than antik).

P-guy used Mir to force Olox to open up that old technologie seal using an object powerfull enough to sent humanity back to antik times.

P-guy just wanted to conclude his research, Olox is a cowered hiding in his personal shelter untill he is broken out once the coast is clear (while stopping Mir as a side product) and the base is now an antic tempel filled with what ever stuff was made antik by mongoose (antik tec terror bits).

The final kick is the machine leafing to find himself a suit :]
(P-guy quit the insurgency to follow this machine)

hope i could help a bit.

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Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.