PoI Critique
http://ci-sandbox.wikidot.com/las-of-neonach <—Go to Peter Bolton
PoI Critique
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Summary:
I've already had some but I am still not shure
Do you have specific questions or do you want a full breakdown?
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
Full one please, with some specific points. Like the logic, are mine explenations ok etc.
He was responsible for improving a Human Serum to its modern form and creation of a healthy person 3.1 meters tall. In the year 2000 he decided to retire.
This still contradicts the source
the previous "Human Serum" that was discontinued in 2001 after failures to enhance existing humans
In the year 1973 during one of raids Rebellion performed at Site he was working in, he decided to escape and join the Insurgency. His,later discovered, experiments were used as one of the reasons to to establish an Foundational Ethics Committee.
Why would the works of an Insurgent lead to the formation of a Foundation institution and than be known to the Insurgency that this was the case? For this to happen there must have been a flow of information like this:
The Foundation knows of Insurgency experiments.
The Foundation sees the works of an external Insurgent as requiring an internal restriction mechanism.
The Insurgency knows about reasons why the Foundation does things.
SCR-851 was at first distrusted, as he was refusing to give any information abaut his invention, only saying that "he found it on the far east" yet as his experiments were giving satisfactional effects he was allowed to worf freely without limitations of Ethics.
Part one and part two of the sentences have nothing to do with each other.
His ability to keep his mouth shut for 20+ years while constantly working with the Insurgency is ether unrealistic (as the works of one man do not outweigh the benefits of having hundreds work on the thing (which would have been the case if the Insurgency had just "extracted" his knowledge)) or commendable (you need to pull some serious stunts to not have the Insurgency WANT to crack open your mind (the "we are your colleges, we know each other for 10+ years, you can tell us" strategy is rather hard to defeat, because the consequences are measured in social penalties. Hermits can do that, but I have not read the file as indicating complete social/professional isolation.))
many of some
many of which
Also, if it is of use to the Insurgents we usually do not part with it for a visit to the grand book-reading. You can spin this whole affair into its own tale because the extraordinary premise "The insurgency thought a trade like this would most likely be worth it" requires explanation.
He died in his sleep in 2001 at the age of 74. The same day the earliest Instances of Human Serum were discovered.
Than what did he work on his whole life? If you mean to say that modern human serum was discovered in 2001 than we have the following problem:
the previous "Human Serum" that was discontinued in 2001 after failures to enhance existing humans
The original human serum failed to meet expectations
and
a Jewish ritual recovered from a raid of the Foundation in 2002
I know I gave you the date of 2001 as the earliest, but it is actually 2002. For the full review I lean more on the text as posted and not my memory of it.
In case you were never exposed to it, this is a link to the original human serum as written by EdAWACSdenyY.
There are also some more spelling/grammar errors.
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
huh,I cant see your post
If it does not show up here soon go to "Recent Posts".
If you can not see it, how did you know it was there?
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
Ok My Explenations
Abaut the begining, I was going for that the experiments were discovered AFTER he escaped. Like, he was used as an example like "See, this is what happends when you don't supervise the researchers"
And now I kinda understand How stupid idea it was to to make him Not say anything without making him a hermit
"the previous "Human Serum" that was discontinued in 2001 after failures to enhance existing humans
The original human serum failed to meet expectations"
All his work was for nothing and he only brought suffering so uhhh Grimdark. But on serious note I just couldn't find a better idea for explenation for his experiments since I want him to fit the world of CI but also still having his Frankenstein esque experiments. And making diffrent substace or a spell just fells cheap and outright bad "O there is anaother substance that does practically the same what human serum does but we didn't tell you abaut it". Like I said just cheap and bad.
The timing would check out id the things were discovered after the man went over to our side. Please make the timeline clear in the text itself.
You are a bit to broad in your understanding of "bad form". The existence of electromagnets does not invalidate permanent magnets. Penecelin may have been one of the first antibiotics, but it was not the last to be developed. Even the modern human serum is an extension of someone elses work.
Also yes, it does become dark when read like this.
Also, how about you sync the death of Dr. Bolton not with the discovery of the modern version, but with the discovery of its mass production? It would explain why Bolten went out when he did, the serum had run out. That would have been around 1998. Than when the insurgency finally had enough to make good use of it, there expert died, making every subsequent deployment look pale in comparison, leading to the discontinuation in 2001.
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
Fine, but what abaut Wonderers Library Explenation.?
Do you want to elaborate or cut the thing?
If the Insurgency payed up, you need to find something they thought they would get that would have been worth it.
On the other hand, one can stumble into the library by accident if I remember correctly. Maybe we rigged something to trick one of there members. Perhaps one of the test-subjects knew something, it thought it could trade in for there life. There are a lot of possibilities here.
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
Hmm using a tortured Sepent's Hand member souds like something Insurgency would do.
Any way thank you for critique…There will be V3.
Nice to hear. I will still be here (if nothing goes wrong and this does not take 25 years) to read the next version too.
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
VERSION NR 3 yey….
http://ci-sandbox.wikidot.com/las-of-neonach <—-I aplied your critisism and I hope the explenations I've given is now actually passable.
Fully satisfactory.
This is something I can up-vote. (A few strange spellings are still in, but that should be easily fixable.)
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
:oD Do you recomend some good program ? Also, better now then never, How do I add this to the current POI'S? I can just edit it in(with Tags of course)?
When it comes to spellchecking, I personally use the DSpellCheck Plugin for Notepad++, which allows you to freely choose dictionaries, languages (yes, even multiple at once!), type of highlighting and many other things (also, it has some advanced functions for nerds). The Spellcheck dictionaries, you're probably well-served with Hunspell, which is the default spellcheck of quite a lot applications behind the scenes.
Okay, now when it comes to linking it from the Hub, remove the
[[div class="box-grey poi"]]
+ __[http://ci-wiki.wikidot.com/person-of-interest-peter-bolton-dossier Peter Bolton]__
[[=]]
**POI-851** | [Unaffiliated] | [ALLIED FOR HIRE] | [NULLED]
[[/=]]
[[/div]]block from the article. This is meant for the Persons of Interest Hub page, where you can add him right under Sky Nomad.
(Also, there needs to be a space between the plus and the double underscores for Wikidot to format it as an underlined headline.)
On the PoI Hub, you must also add an site-anchor above the piece you just added (Anchors have the format [[# ANCHORHERE]]); this is what allows people to jump to that part of the page when they click on the name in the Table of Contents. This also means you must add the link there (like this * [/persons-of-interest#ANCHORHERE Some Text]. Since we used two-letter anchors so far, I'd suggest you to use "PB" for Peter Bolton.
I know this looks confusing at first, but just look at how the others did it; if you need help, we're here.
In terms of Tags, this needs these: person-of-interest scp-foundation marshall-carter-and-dark serpent's-hand.
Eschew elucidation, espouse obfuscation.
/forum/t-14238518/poi-critique#post-
