Regal blood and autumn leaves provide enough color for me
Congratulation to you for your first tale, I hope you will continue on this path and that you will enjoy telling us stories.
J'ai deux nouvelles, une mauvaise et une bonne
La mauvaise nouvelle c'est que je ne peux pas forcer les gens à m'accepter ou à m'aimer
La bonne nouvelle c'est que j'en ai rien à foutre
I read it and there seems to be something missing for me.
You set up a pretty good setup in that the base he moves to seems to already be under an anomalous effect. I was waiting for the pay-off to that.
Also, you set up this girl that talks to toys in the beginning and than move on after her death. I was waiting on how you tie her back in later. This setup also goes nowhere.
In the end I was convinced that the mask was sad that one of its friends had died and was therefore trying to suck out everyones attention, in hopes of finding someone else to talk to and in the end settling for using the doctors diary to get the girl permanently (or at least until Jack is found) engraved in the minds of agents that need to study the case from now on.
It feels like two different stories that don't connect very well.
No vote from me, but congratulation on your first successful tale (speaking as someone who had many failures before something finally stuck).
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
Loved the page, good Idea. But the ending was rather confusing. I don't think The Chaos Insurgency would let you go with all that knowledge. I mean, you used the item. It would be punishable, I wished for a different ending, Eitherway. Congratulations again.
I don't believe the Insurgency let him go.
They do try to find him, but he had an item on him when he left, that explicitly negates feelings of consequences and danger (as seen by the Doctor just going into a test chamber with an unsecured test subject).
Oh, for stunts like these there are punishments. He better hope the hole he is hiding in is deep.
Fighting Monsters and Language since 2016.
I was able to finally quit working with all the skips and now I'm in the big leagues.
Not gonna lie, I grinned hard at this. You should be hanged for flattering the Insurgency this much.
Seriously, though? I really love this. It has a great way of characterizing the people in the Insurgency; obviously not all of our cells are this "normal," but Mason's testimony of having more freedom, more recognition, and more utility as one of our researchers is a fantastic portrayal of why people, especially ex-Foundation scientists, flock to the Insurgency.
It didn't have much of a story - though I appreciate the plot of him going nuts, using two Items and escaping - but man, does it do its job in worldbuilding.
If I had any criticism, it would be on the technical side. There are SPAG errors which I believe don't come with audio transcription, and the logs need lines between the paragraphs. I'd love to come and fix all the technical errors for you, if you want.
Well done.
Send Message | Know that my bloodstained palms will only ever care for a greater plan.
In retrospect it didn't have much story, but I mostly made this to introduce a character I was hoping on using in the future. I also feel that any organization, no matter how "good" or "evil", is made up of people like any other. So I write trying to emphasize a certain humanistic property which I think you liked.
As for the SPaG errors, go at it. I'm mostly glad you enjoyed it
Regal blood and autumn leaves provide enough color for me
Basically just corrected a few spelling/punctuation errors and added spaces between paragraphs. I did insert lines separating each log, but feel free to remove those if it they don't suit your formatting style. I also included some bracketed words to clear up any confusing phrasing, as is typical of some audio transcripts.
Send Message | Know that my bloodstained palms will only ever care for a greater plan.