Augh. The only two speaking characters both have obnoxious verbal tics. It's too short, and it's very uninteresting. How do I fix it?
SPEAK, O WISDOM GIVERS
Augh. The only two speaking characters both have obnoxious verbal tics. It's too short, and it's very uninteresting. How do I fix it?
SPEAK, O WISDOM GIVERS
Fear not, for Victor is here, to save the day!
Alright, for the critique!
It can't stand on its own without an item to go along with it or some expansion. Though I had a vague idea of what was going on by the end, it was still a bit confusing for me. Of course, I still loved it and thought it was really interesting, so you have a good foundation. It was really thought-provoking as far as what happened, and could spark some debate amongst readers as far as things like if the Ring that shot the second Zion was actually the real Ring. Also, the verbal tic isn't that bad. In fact, it makes Ring more unique, as well as giving me a good picture of what he might look and sound like based on the description.
Here and there I encountered the odd capitalization error or punctuation error, as well as a break in Ring's speech impediment, so you may want to go through and check that.
Another thing: Ring's speech impediment isn't a lisp, that's when the letter S is pronounced as a soft TH. Ring's problem is probably best just left described as a speech impediment.
If you would like any more help as far as what to expand it with, just PM me. But keep in mind: You may end up walking on the thin line between explaining too much and explaining too little. What made it intriguing was the lack of information given.
Victor Strate | "If you ever get in a gunfight with somebody, just make sure to keep aiming for his groin until you've hit it at least once. That way, even if you lose your life in the fight, that bastard'll never breed."
I'm not entirely sure what's this about yet; by itself right now it is a little boring. But the thing bothering me the most are the ACCENTS OR LISPS OR WHATEVER. They are seriously distracting. To improve the tale, I suggest telling me more what is it about.
Agent E-dit: me can not type no well on phone
Agent E | "Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full.” -Leon Trotsky
http://ci-sandbox.wikidot.com/illustrio
If for some reason you are unable to click the link in the original post, there it is again.
I didn't like the stuff I had written, because it was grimdark and unintelligible. While it certainly would have gained me street-cred among the (doubtlessly enormous) neo-modern post-punk movement of this site, I personally thought it was annoying. SOO, now it's like a buddy cop movie that is weird and not funny.
I also can neither explain nor excuse my disappearance, save by stating the obvious fact that I am a dangerous sociopath with a long history of unprovoked violence and have a fetish for causing misery in others.
And it still isn't done, because I just started over for a third time. At this rate I'll never reach my deadline!
What is it you want to write about? I viewed your draft but still cannot make out what the story is about and how it involves the Chaos Insurgency.
I didn't like the stuff I had written, because it was grimdark and unintelligible.
No, grimdark isn't necessarily bad. In fact, it is often superior to what we call LOLsurgency. It really depends on what your article is trying to express.
I also can neither explain nor excuse my disappearance, save by stating the obvious fact that I am a dangerous sociopath with a long history of unprovoked violence and have a fetish for causing misery in others.
You are not required to stay active. I mean, we certainly love more contributing members, but this site is strictly stress-free. And I am not sure why you mentioned your mental state to explain that.
(doubtlessly enormous) neo-modern post-punk movement of this site
We are trying to improve content quality on this site. I suggest you to browse around in Falchion Valley and find out what you missed.
Agent E | "Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full.” -Leon Trotsky
Illustrio, we do not care about and do not need to know of any fetishes or mental disorders that you have. If you can use that to help you with your writing, great. But we seriously do not need any knowledge of any various neurodiversities that you may have.
Thank you.
LilyFlower is cute and amazing <3
It was meant as a humorous remark, sorry
EDIT: That word does not mean what I think it means
It's probably not a good idea to spout out things that you don't know what they mean and make jokes off of actual mental disorders that people have to live with. Just a heads up.
LilyFlower is cute and amazing <3